Hutchinson SA - I am your dumb(o)ss

   

Transcript

Boss: I notice that your conduct does not conform to the corporate hierarchy. As you are new in the company, I need to make clear to you our communication rules. I got very nervous with what you did yesterday. You sent an email to your colleague and me to ask if a technician could get involved in your trials due to the parental leave of your technician. You sent the email to him before I give you my approval! There is no issue with such arrangement for running your trials, but I got very upset by the fact that you ignored me and you got into direct contact with the other project manager.

“Project” Manager: But I did send you, Baptiste, the email and then I got directly a reply by Gregory who agreed to arrange the trials with his technician. He did not put you in copy, though.

Boss: You sent the email to Gregory before I give you my consent. As I am higher in hierarchy than you two, you had to send the email firstly to me and wait my consent for sending him an email. Firstly, you had to wait for my reply and if I would order you to ask your colleague, then you had to send him an email. Maybe I would prefer myself to get into contact with him and then to get back to you. You made the arrangement behind my back without me having yet responded. I AM YOUR BOSS and you have to do only what I order. I have more elements than you, I am not project manager anymore as you two. I AM YOUR BOSS and you have to ask my approval for any action you make. It’s obvious that you are not familiar with the corporate culture. I have to point out to you that if you want to belong to a company you must do only what your boss says and I AM YOUR BOSS, I AM YOUR BOSS, is it clear to you? It’s very important and of the utmost priority to understand the corporate culture and obey the hierarchy rules.

“Project” Manager: I see that you exaggerate a lot for nothing. When another manager asked me the availability of my technician for his trials directly without informing you, you had told me that it is up to me to decide for such issues, there was no reaction from your part. Also, Gregory who has longer experience in the company than me, replied to me directly without letting you know. But you didn’t make to him such remark. Indeed, he had told me on another occasion that I can address him directly for any lab issue.

Boss: Maybe other managers ignore our corporate hierarchy rules, but me as new department manager I want to comply with the hierarchy and I expect the same from my subordinates. I just set up that department in which you and Gregory are the only project managers and I want to make clear to any newcomer those hierarchy rules for having an effective communication within the team. I have more elements than you two and I want to control everything in our new team. I am the decision maker for everything. We have a hierarchical structure which delineates our communication channels. You must ask for my consent for every single action you take, including sending emails. Before you send any email you must come to my office to show me a draft and only upon my remarks and approval you can send it putting me always in copy. You must put me in copy to all internal and external emails you send, in copy, not forward those to me. You must also forward to me all the emails you receive. Is it clear to you? You have to ask me for everything, because I AM YOUR BOSS! Also, I want you to send me everything you read, any document, article, publication, patent, everything and communicate to me any idea you have. Again, it is priority to understand that if you want to belong to a company you must do only what your boss says and I AM YOUR BOSS, I AM YOUR BOSS and you must ask my consent for everything and do only what I order you because I AM YOUR BOSS, I AM YOUR BOSS. Is it clear to you? Do you understand what I am saying?

“Project” Manager: I do understand clearly that you are s u c h  a  p r i c k  in your cactus-like organigram. I'd like to see the things clearly from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass. 

Dominique Bellos, DRH groupe Hutchinson: "Cherchons à commercer ingénieurs qui aiment le coq."

Le DRH groupe Hutchinson nous parle de son expertise

   

"We seek to trade engineers who like the cock."

Hutchinson SAtire Mocking ForABit

Transcript


Cadremploi: Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen! Hutchinson, too discreet as employer, wants to become well known to candidates. Their HRD Dominique Bellos is here to explain us why.  

Mrs Bellos, can you tell us the reason behind your success? What is the meaning of success in the corporate world?

Dominique Bellos: For me merging the professional life with personal life is the first step towards success. In business one succeeds when upon an “accident” has the audacity to demand a position of director, in other words to blackmail the company for concealing any corporate offense even without having the necessary qualifications, being eager to fall to the next domino block. Those who interrupt the domino are the losers, as they are kicked out of the corporate world. I did not break the game, so I got the title “MBA”.

What is the biggest mistake you have made in your career?

I did not sit on the cock of a shipowner.

What are the most important things you learnt in your MBA course? 

My MBA course taught me that a business can be managed effectively by intrusion into employees' private lives. My MBA dissertation included techniques for search, monitor, control of personal lives of employees, diffusion of their family data, as well as employees trade which led to the award of “Master Bad Ass” degree. I well applied what I learnt in the Human Resources director position in Hutchinson. Upon having merged my personal life with the professional one I intruded into private lives of employees.

Do you recruit to replace or you look to fill new posts?

Both cases apply. We replace whenever it is needed. But we also hire for posts without technical aspects in the framework of a new project, the so-called “family house”. We look for engineers who like the cock for getting engaged into trade. The trade business will open a lot in the coming years in Hutchinson. We must show ourselves more innovative in this business compared to our classic technical profile. We will need kind of double profiles, trade engineers who like the cocks.

We will discuss further about it. Firstly, can you describe the steps of a recruitment process?

There are several recruitment steps with the first being the assessment centre in which our human resources sector messes with candidates, including fresh graduates, confirmed professionals or even seniors. We invite engineers and scientists who seek a job to feed our sector by taking IQ tests, playing various role games and filling puzzles. We make good money out of it. We ask few thousand euros from an individual to prepare them for filling such puzzles and a higher amount from the company for which we set up a kindergarten.

Those assessment centres have received much criticism. They are considered irrational by those who have been seriously assessed by universities and have been awarded heavy academic degrees upon having demonstrated high-level analytical and problem solving skills. But even those with a proven track record of top performance who have even published part of their academic research, those who have passed a real harsh academic and industrial assessment and harassment are called to participate in those centres known also as harassment centres. Those candidates find them ridiculous, moronic, a simulation of kindergarten which serve for irritating their nerves and feeding a dump-sector of unqualified people who do nothing but sucking. 

Indeed, our aim is to put the candidates down, kill their motivation and kick them out of the corporate world. To this aim those centres have proved to be very effective. If an inexperienced fresh graduate passes those tests hitting the highest IQ score, they are rejected. We claim that it’s not enough, as they lack industrial experience or they are not internal candidates.

What about when they become experienced and apply as internal candidates? Are they asked again to take part in those centres?

The human IQ changes every two years and as a consequence the older test scores are outdated and one needs to take again tests. Most important is that we reject those who have hit high scores. As we can’t work with smart people due to our fearful bosses we prefer to hire those with the lowest scores. Those can be easily manipulated and accept the workplace oppression. This is also something MBA course teaches. The lower IQ one has, the better career makes.

Why the IQ must change every two years?

The companies put great effort to damage the brain of an employee by means of harassment or mobbing techniques. Human resources are in charge of running those centres as our IQ remains stable within the accepted range, so we are in position to make a proper selection. Those who find us morons fail, those who show respect to the absurd get the job!

What other steps exist in the recruitment process for a job in Hutchinson?

I should note that the assessments are not implemented by all companies. Hutchinson does not apply them, but our parent company does to all candidates including the internal ones coming from their subsidiaries. Besides that step, there are the classic interviews, an academic background check, as well as a personal background check.

A personal background check?

Exactly and this is something I am proud of as I introduced it in the company. It can be done within the framework of the recruitment process before the hiring decision or shortly upon a hire by the Home Research Division which I lead.
 
Home Research Division? Is this a new business unit?

Me and my husband are the founders. If we have a personal interest for a candidate we hire them intending to pro-mote them in the trade business. Women are in honour. Firstly, we search and approach their relatives to find out about their private lives. We call them if we can not meet them in person. We inform them where the newly hired works, including company, position, country and city, how they replied to interview questions and ask them information about their current or past personal relationships, personal and education background, family data, residence address etc.

Those relatives do not get astonished with your request? 

We enter into negotiations under a men’s agreement. We promise to the “relatives” benefits including job opportunities for themselves in order to get them as accomplices. We plan to force the targeted employee to begging upon dismissing them constructively in order to offer them as solution our family cocks and accommodation in our “bigger house”.

This is trade of employees.
 
Exactly, this is what I already mentioned, we aim to pro-mote them in the trade business. We inform the relatives about our corporate strategy and career prospects in the “trade” and ask them to inform us when the employee will visit them upon the workplace harassment she will be subjected to which must last less than two years. We force the target to be in a financial need as unemployed in order to go to me(a)t them and offer them our family cocks. That time they should be an easy prey. The first technical job we offer is only for two years, then the ringless employees must be transferred to our bigger house and get engaged into “trade business”.

Why they need to be transferred to your “bigger house”? Are they homeless? 

We aim to get their properties when they will reach the CAF level being unemployed. We force them to relocate where our family cocks live so as to be able to me(a)t them. We already prepare the community usurping the title of family proclaiming ourselves in and outside the company relatives of an employee, even if they are unknown yet to us and we circulate their family data.

Mrs Bellos, a person who applies for a job in a company expects to work in their field of expertise, deploy their skills to earn money, add value to the company which hired them and make a successful career. They want a job related to their qualifications and not to meet the families of the hiring directors. Also, they may want to keep well confidential their job, the company and the place they work and live. Not all are presidents to be exposed to public. 

No, business is a family matter and by hiring one we automatically become members of their families and we are free to call them for exchanges of information! We get the right to intrude into their private lives and direct them, relocate them and even change their career direction getting them out of their field of expertise in order to me(a)t them or help the real relatives of our Home Research Division to get a placement in the company. We have the right to use them as we want. We are all one family and we consider ourselves relatives of the employees.

The high credentials, technical expertise of the employees are of no interest? You recruit because you have vacancies other than technical to fill?
 
We totally disregard the high credentials, expertise and research interests of an employee with the women being always in honour. The positions we offer them within the company depend on the sexual needs of the department managers and directors in an international level. We place employees in positions irrelevant with their expertise and interests or dismiss them upon subjecting them to harassment for the purpose of sexual exploitation for “higher” managers or others. Of course, they can not work in their field of expertise and interest if the “higher” manager is fearful or has a personal interest, but thumb up job opportunities are always plenty. Filling the thumb up vacancies is priority for us! They can even be used as teachers to other managers offering them their academic notes or can be placed in an irrelevant department in which real relatives of the Home Research Division can be hired. Upon their null and void or constructive dismissal they are placed automatically in a “black list” to all relevant companies. We aim to reduce them all to pro offering them a career into trade business!

So, when you refer to trade business you mean human trafficking? You hire people intending to eat them?

We prefer the term trade business to avoid  lawsuits. We dismiss them upon subjecting them to oppression or harassment and then close all the employment opportunities in their field of expertise and interest. We ask the relevant companies to place the targets in a “black list” and thus we force them to go to the direction we want and the city where our cocks live. 

If I understand correctly you undermine the careers of those with high credentials, indeed involving relatives and other “professionals” within the company offering them bribes. You create a toxic working environment in order to fill the targets with disgust and kick them out. You conspire to trade talents, burn their careers, disturb their private lives and get them to your family house upon throwing them to begging, indeed entering into negotiations with relatives you discover. Mrs Bellos, is your practice driven maybe partly by your frustrations for being unable to pursue an engineering education? Are you jealous of engineers and you set as professional goal to undermine the careers of those who have been awarded heavy degrees upon having invested in long-term academic courses, devoted time and energy in order to gain expertise in the field of their interest and enhance their career prospects?

Well, you know, it is true that the technical staff in the companies do not show respect to our Human Resources sector considering us waste. The principle of lean according to which “the waste is not thrown away, but the resources can be taken and used elsewhere where they can add value” can not apply for our sector. They claim that we can not add any value. In this regard, I seek to promote our field of expertise which is “sit on cocks” and initiate talented engineers into our sector and share together our values under one roof.

You are not afraid of lawsuits or public outcry for your offenses?

No, as long as money rules the world. My job has been tough, but I got good “celery”.

Last question, you know that one day you will leave this company, what is the HR footprint you would like to leave?

The footprint will be characterized by the FAB project that aims to merge business with family by a trade of talents. Candidates are invited for job interviews together with their families or they are expected to create families with associates being forced to mate with each other! Women, if ringless, they shall be pro-moted upon their constructive or null and void dismissal, if ring wearers, they will be also expelled as they are “supported”. Employees are asked to declare their civil status, family revenues, names, profession and salaries of family members. A request for police assistance is possible. HR get the right to invade and direct the private lives of employees. New thumb up vacancies open for those with high qualifications. Their efforts and long-term investments for being able to stand on their feet in society and thrive professionally in their field of expertise are paid off with our “thumb up” corporate offers in the new trade business of Hutchinson. I will leave Hutchinson knowing that there is this "family house" which can accommodate all the collaborators with their relatives. I think that I have contributed a bit to this beautiful adventure.